Confidential · Family Only · Storyboard v0.1

The History of Everything

As It Actually Happened, According to Mary Elton, Indifferent Goddess of All Time · gated Claudio-kit slideshow · password Nan · one panel per page, ramping up to her 73rd, 15 June 2026.
Dylan fit confirmed thematic stretch GAP — no Dylan / proposed insert ★ = the one adult-layer gag
P.1
~13.8 billion years ago
1 · The Big Bang
Lights the fuse on all creation, then sits down to watch it with Sheldon. 13.8 billion years on, still hasn't got off the couch.
Dylan · "Father of Night"
PROPOSED
~?? mya · gap
Dinosaurs?
EB-Ola: take it. "She had a favourite. It went extinct. She's still cranky." Cheap, kids love it.
insert between 1 & 2
P.2
~375 million years ago
2 · Life Crawls Out of the Oceans
First thing up the beach is Poppa — a damp, hopeful sea-slug. Love at first ooze.
Claudio: I evolved hands specifically to put them on my hips and judge this.
Dylan · "Man Gave Names to All the Animals"
P.3
~3000 BC · Claudio cameo
3 · Stonehenge
Not a temple — a photo printer. The hard drive is 94% Hugh, the show pony.
Claudio: I hauled every stone by hand. I asked for a forklift. She told me to walk it off.
Dylan · GAP (leave silent)
P.4
the Flood · ~2900 BC
4 · Noah's Ark
Two of each? Amateur hour. Michael fills the esky every trip, and Fletcher's tinny out-fishes the Ark before lunch.
Claudio: Forty days of rain and not one of them brought a tarp. I'd have brought a tarp.
Dylan · "Down in the Flood"
P.5
~2560 BC
5 · The Pyramids
All that stone to show off. Reminded her of the giant dome Poppa put up "for the telescope." The grandkids know exactly what it looks like.
Dylan · "Isis"
P.6
~1000 BC
6 · David & Goliath
Sat them both down: pack it in, or she'd cut down the beanstalk and burn the treehouse, and then see who's a giant.
Claudio: That's three different stories. I counted. She knows. She does not care.
Dylan · "When the Ship Comes In"
P.7
356–323 BC
7 · Alexander the Great
"Great, even — for a Macedonian. In Bulgaria we'd just call him Alex."
„Като за македонец." — ⚠ confirm wording with Nan's dad
Dylan · GAP (Bulgarian folk?)
P.8
~1 AD
8 · The Birth of Jesus
The original Mary tells B-grade Mary she overcooked this one (b. 24/12 — sound familiar?). Advice: find the mug who'll apprentice the mouth-breather. Carpentry. He won't need brains.
Dylan · "Highway 61 Revisited"
PROPOSED
~1347 · gap
The Plague?
EB-Ola: take one Dark-Ages bridge — "she was busy, didn't get the memo." Skip Fall of Rome.
insert ~8½
P.9
1915
9 · The Gallipoli Landing
Could've stopped the whole thing. But the turkish delight was right there, and she does love a turkish delight.
Dylan · "With God on Our Side"or break rule: Bogle
P.10
1953 · the mortal era begins
10 · The Goddess Files Her Paperwork
Went undercover as a newborn — the same year someone else took the credit for cracking the structure of life itself. She let them. She was tired.
Dylan · GAP (he's not signed yet)
P.11
1969
11 · The Moon Landing
One small step for man. She left a tin of turkish delight up there centuries ago and nobody's ever mentioned finding it.
Dylan · GAP (no moon song)
PROPOSED
1965 · gap
Newport — Dylan Goes Electric?
EB-Ola's new idea: a superfan Nan should meet Dylan, not just frame his muse. "She plugged the amp in."
obvious track slot
P.12
L o l a
1970
12 · The Kinks Write "Lola"
A Kink has a night he'll write a whole song about. Mary heard the chorus and thought: that's the name. Hold it for 2011.
Music · The Kinks "Lola" (her one non-Dylan)
P.13
1975 · the confession
13 · "Hurricane" / Rubin Carter
Bob wrote eight and a half minutes of protest, topped the charts, never once suspected the little old lady three rows back. Nan framed the Hurricane and let Dylan take the case.
Claudio: I know what she did. I have said nothing. I would like to keep existing.
Dylan · "Hurricane" ✓✓
P.14
1983
14 · Australia II Wins the America's Cup
She'd had the winged keel drawn up for centuries, just waiting for someone slow enough to make it look like an upset.
Dylan · GAP (no sailing song)
P.15
'97 '98
1997 & 1998
15 · Crows Back-to-Back Premierships
She'll tell you '97 was skill and '98 was her. Don't argue. She framed a man for less.
Dylan · GAP (no footy song)
PROPOSED
Y2K
1999–2000 · gap
Y2K?
EB-Ola: take it. "She caused the panic, then did nothing. Just testing." On brand.
insert ~15½
P.16
FOODLAND
the niche & silly one
16 · Pick One EB-Ola: Foodland
a) Betamax — the one war she lost · b) Foodland — they moved the turkish-delight aisle; she nearly ended creation · c) The Many Marys.
Dylan · GAP
P.17
2 July 2011 · epilogue
17 · The Heir Arrives
Lola is born; the Indifferent Goddess hangs up the robes for good. Eternity handed over. Mary becomes Nan. The turkish delight she keeps.
Dylan · "Forever Young"
P.18
73
15 June 2026 · closing card
18 · Happy Birthday, Nan
Today the retired goddess turns 73. From everyone who exists because you couldn't be bothered not to make us.
Dylan · "Forever Young" (reprise) / "My Back Pages"