The History of Everything

Lights the fuse on all creation, then sits down to watch it with Sheldon. 13.8 billion years on, still hasn't got off the couch.

First thing up the beach is Poppa — a damp, hopeful sea-slug. Love at first ooze.

Not a temple — a photo printer. The hard drive is 94% Hugh, the show pony.

Two of each? Amateur hour. Michael fills the esky every trip, and Fletcher's tinny out-fishes the Ark before lunch.

All that stone to show off. Reminded her of the giant dome Poppa put up "for the telescope." The grandkids know exactly what it looks like.

Sat them both down: pack it in, or she'd cut down the beanstalk and burn the treehouse, and then see who's a giant.

"Great, even — for a Macedonian. In Bulgaria we'd just call him Alex."

The original Mary tells B-grade Mary she overcooked this one (b. 24/12 — sound familiar?). Advice: find the mug who'll apprentice the mouth-breather. Carpentry. He won't need brains.

Could've stopped the whole thing. But the turkish delight was right there, and she does love a turkish delight.

Went undercover as a newborn — the same year someone else took the credit for cracking the structure of life itself. She let them. She was tired.

One small step for man. She left a tin of turkish delight up there centuries ago and nobody's ever mentioned finding it.

A Kink has a night he'll write a whole song about. Mary heard the chorus and thought: that's the name. Hold it for 2011.

Bob wrote eight and a half minutes of protest, topped the charts, never once suspected the little old lady three rows back. Nan framed the Hurricane and let Dylan take the case.

She'd had the winged keel drawn up for centuries, just waiting for someone slow enough to make it look like an upset.

She'll tell you '97 was skill and '98 was her. Don't argue. She framed a man for less.

a) Betamax — the one war she lost · b) Foodland — they moved the turkish-delight aisle; she nearly ended creation · c) The Many Marys.

Lola is born; the Indifferent Goddess hangs up the robes for good. Eternity handed over. Mary becomes Nan. The turkish delight she keeps.

Today the retired goddess turns 73. From everyone who exists because you couldn't be bothered not to make us.